How can I talk to my child's teacher?

By Sam Horn, author of Tongue Fu! at School: 30 Ways to Get Along with Teachers, Students, Principals, and Parents (Taylor Trade Publishing, June 2004). Reprinted with permission.

Lisa, a mother of eight-year-old twins, told me, "I've seen all the studies that report how important it is to be involved in your children's education. But every time I try to talk to their teachers, I get the impression I'm bothering them. Any suggestions?"

"Perhaps it's the way you're talking to them," I gently suggested. "Most teachers today are overworked and underappreciated. A friend who's an elementary school teacher told me, 'I try to do the best I can for each student, but it's hard when there are 30 kids in every class. The other day, a parent called to complain that her son didn't understand how to do his homework and she wanted me to spend extra time with him in class. I tried to tell her I don't have a classroom aide and I'm doing the best I can, but she wouldn't even listen to me. She ended up accusing me of not caring. It's so unfair.'"

Would you like to know how to approach teachers and other school staff sensitively so they're receptive to your requests? Here are three common scenarios with suggestions that can improve communications with your child's teacher or principal — and help you work together to help your child succeed.

Your child receives a bad grade

The harmful approach assumes there was an error and uses extreme words ("always, must") that produce extreme reactions. The word "should" criticizes the teacher for something that has already happened, which serves no good purpose — because no one can undo the past. As the saying goes, "We can't motivate people to do better by making them feel bad." The word "should" makes people feel bad and doesn't suggest how this situation could be handled better.

Try this instead: Use "Can we talk" to open the conversation without blaming. Use "In the future" so you're politely suggesting how this could be handled differently next time. The words "In the future," "From now on" and "next time" are ways of coaching mistakes instead of criticizing them.

Your child has been sick and has missed a lot of school

The words "You'll have to" and "You need to" are orders. Do you know anyone who likes to be ordered around? Those words often cause knee-jerk negative reactions because they make people feel verbally pushed around.

Try this instead: "Kind words are short and easy to speak, however their echoes are truly endless," observed Mother Teresa. Instead of telling people what they have or need to do (which produces resentment), turn those orders into courteous requests. Asking "Could you please" gives people incentive to respond in kind because they're being treated with the respect they want and deserve.

Your child has been bullied on the bus

The Harmful Approach uses the word "problem," which is a "fighting phrase" that accuses people and puts them on the defensive. The word "you" makes this statement come across as an attack. Plus, the word "but" pits people as adversaries. (Just look at these phrases: "I know I agreed to do that, but . . . " "I'm sorry that happened, but . . . ") Simply said, people who use the word "but" will end up arguing because they're re-butting each other's points of view.

Try this instead: Use the word "we," which puts people on the same side instead of side against side. Replace the phrase "I have a problem," which focuses on fault, with "What else can we do," which focuses on solutions. Use the word "and," which acknowledges what's being said instead of arguing with it. And, when dealing with troublesome situations, ask how this could be improved instead of giving an ultimatum. Asking questions gives the other person autonomy. They're more likely to suggest a solution because we're sharing control instead of asserting it.

For More Information

Visit www.SamHorn.com for a free copy of the Top Ten Tongue Fu! Tips for getting along with just about anyone, anytime, anywhere.